Incest Survivors' Support
Apr. 30th, 2006
12:34 pm - intro
hi-i'm a 36-yo survivor of incest & physical childhood abuse. i'm starting an art journal based on Sarah ban Breathnac's "The Illustrated Discover Journal," Laura Davis's "The Courage to Heal Workbook" and the thousands of abuse-related poems I've written over the years. I've selected a few of these poems/prose/short stories to go into an anthology called "Inner Gold" but i wanted some visual healing arts to accompany the words.
i work part-time as an executive assistant & i'm in school to get my english degree. i have a 15-yo daughter, a great hubby, 3 kitties & an american eskimo puppy. we live in illinois & my interests are writing, art journals, running/jogging/slogging, hiking, boating, camping, cooking, yoga, meditation, music, salsa dance, going to the theater, ballet & old movies, star-gazing, hats, and lots of other things. i run a writers' group, co-host an open mic stage & belong to a journaling circle.
thanks for letting me be a part of this group! =)
Feb. 24th, 2006
It's that time of the year again!
Starting on March 22, I will be hosting the five-day Week of Silence 2006! In the WoS, you are challenged to be silent for five days straight to raise awareness about sexual violence, about those who are forced to be silent for so long. We also recommend that you ask friends and family to financially sponsor you; all proceeds go to RAINN or your country's rape crisis organization.
Last year we had a remarkable turnout, raising over a thousand dollars for the cause with participants from five different countries and across the United States. This year we hope to double the income and the number of participants.
If you would like to join, please reply to this post. You can e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information, as well.
Feb. 1st, 2006
08:00 pm - MIA
I know I haven't been much of a presence here lately. I'm the supposed community moderator, for those of you I haven't met yet. I just want to apologize for my MIAness and say that if anybody ever needs anything or you want to tell me something about the community please feel free to contact me. I hope you're all staying safe and well.
Nov. 25th, 2005
I know I'm late about it, but I wanted to spread some cheer. It's been a crap day for me basically because I had a bit of flashback today so I thought I would try and cheer others up.
I think it's terrible for us because words and objects that seem normal to everyone are tarnished because of what happened. They trigger such bad memories and it's amazing how your entire attitude changes when something like that happens.
I have a question, though, for those who use therapy. I only get flashbacks everyone once in a while and, though I remember enough, I don't remember much and basically I don't want to. I have a friend who was going to therapy and she told me that she would have to remember what happened to her. Was that something you had to deal with or wanted to deal with? Has it helped? I'm not sure I'm ready for therapy or even want to go that option. It hasn't helped my friend at all so...I don't know.
Hope your holiday turned out better than mine! :)
Nov. 21st, 2005
12:36 pm - argh!!!
Well, I called the courthouse this morning to devulge some information that might be of interest to them , they referred me to another number but the woman said it too quickly, I was already frustrated and short on patience to begin with since I got crap for sleep last night. So the way I look at it is I tried, part of me doesn't think my efforts would have produced satisfying results and besides I had to consider how this might endanger my well being. I would love to see this particular individual put away for his actions. Hopefully, the court will piece things together and give him what he rightfully deserves.
Nov. 16th, 2005
I am looking to find out my father's probation officers name-is there somewhere I can find the information online?
Oct. 5th, 2005
I hope it's ok to ramble at you?? My head's full of rubbish from my past - memories, flashbacks and such like. It's like I'm there again, you know??
It must've been the wedding at the weekend, I spent a few hours with him, talking and stuff - he pretends nothing happened, and so do the rest of my family, so I kind of play along when I'm around them. We (me and my abuser) spent 30 mins or so sat on our own talking about emails and stuff... I felt so uncomfortable, but how could I refuse when my nan asked me to talk to him about it??
I've managed to block out the things he used to do for so long, but right now it's all flooding back... the ways he talked his way into bed with me, the stuff he did... It's like I'm trying to keep desperate hold on a floodgate or a dam or something... sooner or later, I know it's going to give, but I'm petrified.
No word on the therapy stuff yet, but I have my post-natal depression group later today - although I hate talking about this to anyone, let alone them. I worry that isn't really what I'm there for, or that I'm going to make them worse by revealing anything.
For the first time in a long time, I feel vulnerable and scared. I know he can't get me now, but my memories can. It's amazing how they can hit at any time of day or night, and take me straight back there... I'm back to being the scared little girl, trying desperately to go to bed on my own. To tell him no subtlely, cos I didn't want to upset him.. believing all the things he said - I feel so stupid for that right now. Maybe if I'd told him outright 'no' he would have stopped?? I don't know.
I know really that it's pointless asking all the 'what if' stuff, but can't help it. It's like I'm looking for rationale behind what he did, and I want to believe he didn't mean to hurt me, and that he didn't realise what he was doing, and that he didn't know it was wrong. I'm scared that if I change that point of view, it'll all come crashing down.
Sep. 15th, 2005
11:33 am - abuse work--
I've been in therapy with the same therapist since the Fall 2000. She's been really awesome. I have done a fair amount of work. I'm going to write a bit about my experience, but I'm going to stick it behind a cut because it may trigger.
( My experienceCollapse )
Sep. 2nd, 2005
i was talking with my godmother a couple weeks ago. she's been one of my best supporters and confidantes throughout my healing process ever since i started talking to her about everything in 2004. i had this healing realization during this conversation that i want to share with you...
i was abused by my uncle at a very young age and felt for so long that my life was defined by what happened. it was a part of my internal, emotional, spiritual infrastructure and i felt i wouldn't be able to erase it or move past it. freshman year of college, when everything came out about what happened to my sister and me and the rest of our aunts and uncles learned, i realized that i hadn't healed so much as forced it into the lock box of my mind. through my continuing healing, though, i've decided that my abuse is not part of the definition of who i am. yes i am a survivor, a woman who has been through pain and struggle yet still reaching for the top. to use the cliched simile of human life being like a book, i told my godmother that my abuse is only one chapter in the book of my life. the chapter came to it's conclusion many years ago, yet like any truly good book it still affects the rest of my life. it foreshadowed who i am, changing me in subtle ways and not so subtle ways that i am still realizing. despite these things, though, it is still just one chapter in my existence on this earth.
abuse doesn't define us by any means. it profoundly affects who we are for the rest of our time here on earth. how we choose to live our lives in the aftermath of the pain is what defines us - how we become stronger human beings, SURVIVORS, helping others to write new and inspiring chapters in their own lives. our abusers may have thought they could destroy who we were and manipulate who we were to become. in ways they did, without a doubt, but don't let them sculpt you to their liking or you will continue to be their victim. you are stronger than they will ever be because you survived, you joined a community like this, you are healing. let your abuse be a chapter in your life, not the entire book.
Aug. 12th, 2005
07:12 pm - sad --
So much is on my plate right now, my boyfriend of nearly two years is moving out of state in about two weeks to go back to school. He and I have been sharing a bedroom and the same bed for over 6 months. He is one of the very few that can pull me back when I am having an episode- something triggers and I have a flashback. I can't talk about the abuse in front of one of my other roommates since anytime I do he says something that equates to someone just coming flat out and telling me to shut up. So today we resigned the lease until Feb. 14th which is Valentine's Day and two days after my 25th birthday. School starts back up on the 29th of this month. Which leaves me a year of Therapy with the therapist I have had since 2000. She said that they see patients up until July of the same year once they graduate. All of this is frightening for me and I am a bundle of nerves and emotions. My anxiety level has been heightened due to all these changes it feels like the bottoms falling out. And I can't pretend as though it isn't impacting my life and placing its toll on my body especially when it come sto my sleeping. argh!! It is just so frustrating and so utterly and completely confusing to me.