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Confrontation Experiences? - Incest Survivors' Support

Oct. 18th, 2007

01:28 pm - Confrontation Experiences?

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From:composed_chaos
Date:November 2nd, 2007 09:50 pm (UTC)
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What is siastepstudy?

The reason having a boy first was traumatic was because I was very concerned that I might view my own child with suspicion. That would be a horrible thing to lay on a child... "you're not abusing your sister are you?" Ugh. That would be horrible.

I don't use Myspace, but I have added you to my personal flist here, if you like.

Btw, have you sent the letter? I don't know if I will ever be able to write something like that. I don't think any of them really care.
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From:radiant_roasted
Date:November 2nd, 2007 10:14 pm (UTC)
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SIA stands for Survivors of Incest Anonymous, and the stepstudy part (I'm pretty sure) refers to the 10 steps, similiar to AA or any other 10 step program ... I'm not much of a 10-stepper (I tend to do crazy, non-linear, dance steps in my recovery) but I really like the posts there ...

And yes, thanks to the support of a friend I met here on smilingmasks, my dad, and my husband, I went ahead and sent it ... My sister promptly went thermonuclear, telling her kids & husband, and calling our father to protest my horrible accusations (and to send him web sites, based on her "research")<--(I have no idea what that means) ... Oddly, none of her kids have dropped me as their "friend" on MySpace (yet), and she doesn't seem to've called our aunt or cousins (again: yet) ...

I've been shaking in my boots, just from the not-knowing of what's going on ... Like you, I want to take it all back, and make it all go away ... but that's not really an option any longer. Never was, since the PTSD, really ... My only regret is that I took so long to get to this point, but my therapist says the subconscious is very self-protective, and wouldn't let me deal with it before I was ready ... So, I guess I'm a realllllly late bloomer!

My trauma with giving birth to a girl-child was that I was terrified to change her diaper for fear of touching her "wrong" ... She was so helpless and dependent ... It turned out that I became fiercely protective and almost ridiculously respectful of her ... and her sister ... and their two brothers! Caring for them, and seeing their innocence (and ensuring they stayed as innocent as possible for as long as possible, without going overboard) turned out to be very healing for me ... I learned that they were how kids are supposed to behave ... Versus me, who was molested before I can even remember ... my first memories were sexual and I thought that's how everyone was, and everyone else in the world was just lying about being sexual ... Oy, the stuff I've had to relearn!

What's an flist, and how does it work? And, is it better for me to post on your page or here on smilingmasks?
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From:composed_chaos
Date:November 2nd, 2007 10:26 pm (UTC)
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Flist = Friends List, and you can reply wherever. :) Here is fine, there is fine, wherever you happen to be if/when you feel like replying. :)

I've never come even close to doing any 10-step sort of process. Like you, I don't know that I would like to be told exactly which step I should do next. I just kind of jump and land wherever I happen to land. :) I might check out that group, though. Currently I've asked to join _survivors_ but I haven't heard back yet. I like to be in groups that have activity in them... like preferring to talk in a bar where lots of people are talking, rather than in a library where you feel like you need to whisper. :)

My favorite community is called robed_embrace and is the community run by logospilgrim, a very spiritual woman that brings a sense of calm and peace that is incredibly therapeutic. Worth checking out the userinfo pages, at the very least. :)

So your dad is supportive? Does he still interact with your sister? The whole family dynamic for me is very confusing now. Nobody really knows how to support anyone, so they all just try to pretend nothing is wrong. shrug

What type of "research" did your sister do? Is she trying to pull that "false memory" stuff? Nobody has said that to me, thank heavens, or I might go ballistic. No, they just like to pretend that it's nothing serious, yet my mother specifically said she doesn't know what happened, "and doesn't want to know." Yeah, she actually said that. Whatever.
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From:radiant_roasted
Date:November 2nd, 2007 11:04 pm (UTC)
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Wow ... nice mom (not) ... Yeah, my dad is weird--I blame/credit him with finally confronting the "i" issue(generally) and my sister(specifically)...

My parents were divorced from my infancy (which--at least in my mind--explains why/how my sister had so much access to me. With 4 years difference in our ages, and Mom having to work full-time to support us (and her mom not watching us as closely as a parent might) my sister got to play twisted 'little mother' alot ...

I met my dad for the first time when I was 15. He said he knew right then things were bad. He'd suspected it from phone conversations and comments that were made, but when he saw me & my sister together, he knew (although he didn't know about the sexual aspect) that she was abusing & controlling me. But back in the day, there was no such thing as joint custody, and he had zero rights (not to mention he'd never paid child support due to his own problems), so he had to go back to CA and hope for the best ...

The good part is that I was able to leave home under fairy-tale circumstances that same fall: I won a full scholarship to a private/prep school in CT (I was living in OH at the time). From there, I only went home for holidays (yes, I had to relearn how to like them with my husband & kids) ... then I was off to college, and never lived closer than three states away!

The bad part is that (because I was still denying there was anything wrong with my family, let alone between me & my sister) I continued to allow her to abuse me emotionally ... One of the more recent examples was over the weekend when we buried our youngest child ... It was post-9/11, so my elderly, disabled mother didn't feel comfortable flying from OH to TX ... But she desparately wanted someone to represent "our" side of the family, so she paid for my sister (and her daughter) to attend in her place ...

During a breakdown, where I'd ruined a meal (that, under normal circumstances, I could make in my sleep), and my husband was trying to comfort me, my sister said (and I kid you not), "I don't see what the big deal is ... It's not like anybody died." AND, when we both turned to stare (speechless) at her, she continued, "oh, I guess that wasn't a very PC thing to say ... under the circumstances."

She's a piece of work, I tell you ...

And maybe you're right ... maybe she IS trying to claim my memories are false. That my therapist somehow implanted them. But the PTSD incident came first, and a trip back to the therapist (who had already helped me with the loss of first my son, and then, just 15 months later, my mom) came later! No, the memories were always there ... I just kept telling myself they didn't "mean" anything.

That was working pretty well for me, except for the dreams. Horrific, sexual, abusive dreams. They were so bad that I went to our priest and asked if I needed to confess my dream behavior. He responded that no, dreams are just the subconscious' way of taking out the day's trash, and "meant nothing" ... but THAT got me to thinking ... I've had these dreams for as long as I've been dreaming ... What sort of cesspool am I hording down deep in my subconscious that never gets completely "taken out"????? My PTSD incident happened a few months later ... and a part of my brain rejoiced that the trash had finally been picked up for good ... Yup, no dreams since! Pretty definitive, if you ask me.

I might check out those other groups, but I don't know about the time ... I've got three kids in three different schools this year, and I'm usually going in about seven different directions! :-) But, like you, I like places where there's activity (altho I've never been much for physical crowding ... I still need loads of "personal space") ... In fact, I need to leave the computer (it's soooo adddictive some days) and make dinner or my family will starve itself to death ... Except for my oldest, everyone trusts me to make food (at some point) and call it dinner!

Good talking to you!

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