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My introduction - Incest Survivors' Support

Apr. 21st, 2007

04:52 pm - My introduction

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I am a 46 year old peri-menapausal woman who's working through childhood sexual abuse issues..  

I was forced to felacio my brother, he got on top of me once to find out where the 'hole' was,  he examined me.  Luckily he didn't break anything.  My mother and father were in the thoughs of my father being sick and dying but even before that we were benignly neglected.  One time mother and father went to hospital and they forgot to feed me.  I wasn't allowed to use the stove and had no idea what to do.. 

My brother in law taught me the campbells soup thing.  He was evil to his own kids and nice to me.  Unfair.  I can't hate him properly for what he did to his daughter and son.  

I grew up in an upper middle class home, after father died of cancer in 1970 when I was 10 mother tried to be a full time alcoholic but she got talked out of it by my abuser.  Would someone please be consistant for a few years???? 

Now I am an adult and like many folks with similar histories, I am morbidly obese.  I feel like I have to work through my issues before I can possibly succeed at weight loss.  Not that I am not trying at least a little.  I'm so confused becaue I am on opposing diets.  I am trying to eat low oxidate and still loose weight and I am sure it is psosible but there is so much I don't know about what I can and cannot have.   I ignore the bit about not eating lettuce.  There's not enough of anything there to count...

By the way I have a better than you'd expect relationship with my abuser brother, he is the most loyal family member I have, I may be his most loyal family member for him too.  I have to maintain the relationship in order to ensure he is never left with young children alone.  It's my life's work.  I don't think he is completely better by no means.  he feels bad.  He's appologized.  He's given me money and shelter when I needed it.  I think of it as being a bit greedy but in a way allowing him to get even with me.  Does that make sense?  

this blog username is anonymous.  I go by M on here.  This way I can be completely absolutely honest.  You see? 

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Current Mood: okayokay
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Comments:

[User Picture]
From:apple_scruff
Date:June 12th, 2007 07:14 pm (UTC)
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By the way I have a better than you'd expect relationship with my abuser brother, he is the most loyal family member I have, I may be his most loyal family member for him too. I have to maintain the relationship in order to ensure he is never left with young children alone. It's my life's work. I don't think he is completely better by no means. he feels bad. He's apologized. He's given me money and shelter when I needed it. I think of it as being a bit greedy but in a way allowing him to get even with me. Does that make sense?

Yes. It's almost the exact relationship I have with my abuser only she's hardly loyal, but I "use" her when I want to get the things I want. I suppose in a way I figure she owes me for the all the pain she's caused, but on the other hand I hate the fact that I'm still sort of dependent on her.

I thought it was weird that I still had any sort of relationship with her at all considering what had happened. It's sort of nice to know I'm not alone. -hugs- Hope that's not to forward from someone who you've never spoken to before. :)
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[User Picture]
From:igosm
Date:June 12th, 2007 08:28 pm (UTC)

Not too forward at all..

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Apple,

Glad to meet you... I'm always looking for fellow travelers so I can learn from them and hopefully them from me. I didn't read the rules of this place before I posted that. I was trying to be honest not triggering I hope I can be forgiven.

It's an outrageous post but it was an outrageous childhood. I've met people who are sort of Okay with the abuse that happenned to them. And while I know my abuser is not who he was I still have anger over it. After you figure out how it has affected you then it is you who has to figure out how to recover.. No one can really help it's on you and it's so unfair as you didn't start it. It's one of the things to feel rage about most definately.

M
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[User Picture]
From:fred_girl
Date:November 8th, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC)
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Welcome, M. A book you might find interesting although definitely triggering: A Bright Red Scream.
I think that those of us who can maintain, in whatever form so long as it does not hurt us too much, relationships with our abusers are actually sort of lucky. Better to look the thing in the face every day than have it hidden.
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